Uneasiness

I feel like my posts are always so serious and long...Aaron's are lighthearted (or super philosophical) and normally concise. Perhaps that is because mine are few and far between.

I have the weekend off, which in residency is a relative rarity as we get only 1 day off a week and only some months are they bundled so we work 2 weeks and then get a weekend off. The older I get the more neurotic I am becoming (or am realizing...) and my heart feels conflicted right now. We don't really have any plans this weekend, Aaron is working on final papers and I feel like I need to 'do' something, to make my time off productive. But I don't even know what that means. Cleaning the house? Volunteering? Relaxing so I can be more productive during the work week? Reading medical literature? Enjoying the nice, not yet too hot and humid, Spring day?

My dear friend Hannah had a blog about happiness and significance recently. I think maybe that is why my heart is troubled. I feel that I am lacking significance lately, am lacking a life that truly reflects pursuit of God and bringing him glory, living in his joy, lacking a life that puts others first. That my life as I know it is my job and my husband, and that is not a bad thing and I feel extremely blessed that inherently in my job comes 'significance' and helping others, but I guess I just miss the things I was involved in at other places in my life. We watched another interns dog for the past week so they didn't have to pay to board him while they went on vacation. Yeah, it was a nice thing to do, saved them a couple hundred dollars, but that is really the only thing recently I can think of where I have 'sacrificed' to help someone else out. And I guess that is where my struggle comes from. Finding the balance between keeping myself a sane person by allowing relaxation, yet also the strife of wanting to help others more, get more involved in the Dallas community, but even if I want to, not really having any idea how to start.

Realities of life have also been more apparent to me lately. My Grandma died about a month ago, the first close death I have had to deal with. And death is hard. Being far from home allows you to separate yourself from it, but also bring it closer to home as we do try to make an effort to see my 3 sets of Grandparents on our annual visits to the Northwest. It is easy to day by day continue on, but then you think of a certain memory or my next trip home knowing that she won't be there and it makes you pause and come to terms with reality. She was an amazing woman and is very missed.

The realities of work as a pediatrician are also more apparent lately. 2 patients I cared for earlier in the year have died in the past few months. They had chronic illnesses that everyone knew would eventually result in their death, but it is sad knowing you cared for them. I'm sure in the hundreds of doctors they probably saw that they do not remember me as I cared for each very briefly, but as residents we do remember them. I also have a patient who I cared for everyday for the last month who is going to die. He is in liver failure and cannot get a transplant so it is only a matter of time, maybe days, months, possibly years. Watching His mother daily have to deal with this reality is hard. Seeing his little yellow eyes and face (very jaundiced!) smile and sparkle, yet knowing there is nothing I can do for him is lame - really really lame. It is contrary to what we do as doctors. I sometimes pray for a miraculous healing for him, knowing that God could do it, but likely will not. And I know that as I go through residency these experiences will only become more common, and perhaps once I am done and in a clinic setting death will be much more rare, but for now it is not, and it is sad.
With the signing of the health reform bill I also think about the realities of health care costs a lot as well. I could list off 20 very quick reasons why health care is so expensive. But the main one that I can do something about is over-ordering. The extra tests/studies we order out of our own fear - fear of lawsuit, fear of the unknown, fear of our own lack of knowledge, fear of parents concerns. And not that stopping ordering those tests would instantly fix the US healthcare problems, but it is a start. Yet also knowing that as a resident if I don't want to order it, but the attending really does, they will just go ahead and do it anyway. Such is life halfway up the totem pole.

So that is some of the randomness and things on my heart and mind lately. On a brighter note I am loving the condo, and we got our housing rebate direct deposited in our account recently - which is awesome!!! Maybe I'll post some pictures as for the most part we are finally done decorating it for now until some big projects this summer like kitchen renovations and repainting the whole first floor. And I really do love my job, love the fact that I get to take a part in so many children's lives, and love the fact that I think the things I get to see and the people in all walks of life I meet make my heart conflicted and make me think about these random things - and it is a good thing to sometimes to be challenged, to be saddened.